When pain isn't leading to growth, find purpose

To anyone who's worked in healthcare or encountered severe illness or disease, it's clear that the expression “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is one that requires some caveats, to put it mildly.

That is to say, not all pain is good.

There’s a distinction I recently read in Victor Cheng’s newsletter that helped clarify “good” versus “bad” pain. He argues that while “pain” is good and necessary for growth, “suffering” is pointless, needless, and makes you weaker.

The difference between pain and suffering, he says, is purpose. Is there a purpose behind the pain you’re feeling? Are you growing as a result of the pain?

But what wasn’t explained was where purpose comes from. How do you know if your pain is coming from a purposeful or purposeless place? Is it always good pain if it helps you achieve a goal? Is it always suffering if there are no positive outcomes?

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl finds meaning in the deepest, darkest holes of human suffering – the type of suffering that we can all agree has no purpose at all. As a holocaust survivor, his time in a concentration camp was defined by his inner life, his inner dialogue around the hope he carried despite the truly pointless suffering he was subjected to. He found purpose in that pain, and with it, a sheer will to live that is endlessly inspiring.

I think the truth is this: we get to decide what is good pain and what is suffering. We decide what has purpose and what doesn’t. We decide what that purpose is. It's an idea worth reflecting on. Are there lessons we can take away from the circumstances that feel pointless? Is there a way to change perspective and see the situation differently – is there anything positive to take from it?

I'll admit, there have been times when I’ve chosen to suffer. Where I did not find meaning in what I was going through. Sometimes things happen to you, circumstances happen at random and it can be very difficult to find purpose in a dark place that you can’t explain and can’t control. But I think the questions to ask yourself in scenarios where you’re hurting, and it feels pointless, are:

1. Do I have control over my situation? If yes, seriously consider changing it.
2. If not, can I create my own meaning?

If Viktor Frankl is any indication, the ability to create your own meaning may be what gets you through it.