Your hidden powers of persuasion: Five ways to influence other people
I'm fascinated by the micro ways we impact others. How, if we're thoughtful, we can craft our words and actions in ways that cause others to react differently than they would have otherwise. This shows up for me professionally, where being a manager and working in product both involve trying to change other people's opinions, beliefs, and behaviours. And that change is often hard won.
This post, and the book that inspired it, You Have More Influence Than You Think by Vanessa Bohns is about subtle, unintuitive ways we exert influence. In her book, Bohns covers means of influence that are so subtle that we're highly unlikely to be aware of them day-to-day. Which is all the more fascinating because those micro-interactions add up. I found five insights were especially useful for my day-to-day work.
#1 Ask for what you want directly and in-person
This tactic isn't so subtle, but it's based on an unintuitive finding – people are much more likely to say yes to you than you think. While you're imagining scenarios of rejection, the truth is that most will agree to your requests, either because they want to avoid the awkwardness of saying no, or because it makes them feel good to say yes and go out of their way for a favour (and yes, sometimes both are at play).
In a series of studies, Bohn demonstrates that people tend to agree to our requests much more than we think they will (anywhere from about a third more likely to double). Surprisingly, this is true even if people were asked to do harmful things, like vandalize a library book. You might imagine that if you asked 100 people to vandalize a book, maybe 28% would say yes (that's how many people participating in the study thought would say yes). In reality, 64% of people (yes, more than double) actually agreed and went on to vandalize the book! Cybersecurity professionals are aware of how susceptible people are to saying yes to direct requests – many security breaches are due to human error, i.e., humans giving their passwords freely to hackers.
For those of us without bad intent, we can use this principle to get what we need from others simply by asking. The caveat to this general principle is that you must ask for things directly and in-person. Rejection rates are much higher via email or if you beat around the bush.
#2 Be loud about positive things you're doing
It's tempting to stay quiet when you're starting something new, like a new course, exercise regime, or learning a new skill. Beginners, by definition, typically aren't very good at their craft, so there isn't much to brag about.
But if you broadcast the activities you're engaging in and talk about the benefits they're having for you, you're much more likely to spread positive trends to people you care about. "Behavioural contagion" is the effect of other people following suit when they see someone else do something, and it's particularly likely to happen if they see the benefits. And it doesn't just have to be in-person – you're likely to have indirect effects on many more people that you may not even know about by posting on social media.
If you're interested in how to do this, especially for beginners, Show Your Work by Auston Kleon is an awesome way to get started in sharing your new creative endeavour or hobby.
#3 Tactfully challenge harmful or incorrect opinions
We have a bias toward believing what people tell us, and even towards feeling the way that they feel. In cases where we have little information and no strong opinion on a topic, we're highly likely to take on the opinion and feelings of the first person we hear from. In fact, one study showed that we lean toward believing what people tell us even when we know they're reading from a randomly generated script that has no bearing on reality. We're just that strongly wired to believe.
Which means that when one person voices their opinions, feelings, or experiences in a public setting, other people are likely to believe them. And if those statements are harmful, incorrect, or otherwise leading to a bad outcome, those ideas can spread quickly. Challenging that statement is one way to minimize the likelihood of a falsehood spreading. Even subtle questioning helps – casting a seed of doubt on a belief is one way to make other people put their critical thinking hats on.
Understanding our "bias to believe" means that it's important to both challenge harmful opinions and to help put your own positive beliefs out there as much as you can.
#4 Reach out – they probably do like you!
The fact people like us much more than we think they do is one of my favourite findings in social psychology. I wrote about it previously on Irrational Labs' blog and discussed whether that feeling you get after meeting someone and wondering whether you made a good impression is actually right.
The studies ran like this: after a series of one-on-one conversations, researchers asked both parties to rate how much they liked the other person and how much they thought the other person liked them. They found that there was about a 20% "liking gap" where people perceived being liked 20% less than they actually were. Interestingly, neutral third party observers were able to pick up on how much people liked each other, indicating that there were observable cues of liking, but those cues were being missed.
This finding resonates because it can be easy to underestimate how much other people enjoy being social. The take away is that if you're wondering whether you should reconnect with an old colleague, grab a coffee with a friend, or visit an out-of-town relative, the answer is more likely to be "yes" than you think. Considering the importance of your social network in obtaining both personal and professional goals, knowing that people probably want to hear from you is a great confidence boost to keep in your back pocket.
#5 Make a habit of asking people how they feel
It's hard to remember being young, when we had less say over what we did and what the rules were. As we get older, we adapt to normal adult freedoms quickly and forget what it was like to not be able to work, drive, drink, vote, and choose our own bedtime. Which means that as an adult, it can be hard to relate to being a kid.
The more general phenomenon of not being able to relate to having less power is common, and it can occur not just because we forget, but also because we may have never experienced powerlessness in particular scenarios (e.g. due to systemic disparities, such as racial, gender, etc).
The catch is that, as someone with power, you often need others who have relatively less to listen to you, ideally willingly. And it can be very difficult to do that if you can't relate to them – if you don't understand how they feel and what they want. Common wisdom is that you can use your own mind to "get into" someone else's by imagining walking in their shoes. But one of the interesting findings from Bohn's book was that this sort of "perspective taking" by imagining how other people would feel in different scenarios doesn't actually work! That's because when we intuit how other's feel, we're imagining how we would feel if we were in their shoes. And how we would feel is based on our experiences, not theirs. Past experiences have a huge impact on how we feel. One person may love running because they regularly get a huge endorphin boost, but another may hate it because they sprained their ankle running years ago. One person may feel office romances are great because that's how they met their wife. Another may feel unfavourable because they were pursued by a suitor who made them feel awkward at work.
All this means is that in order to understand how people really feel, we need to get in the habit of asking them directly. I have a mentor who has a habit of asking "How does that feel?" after introducing a suggestion, change, or new piece of information. It gives people the freedom to say what they're thinking, and as a result, he often has keen insight into what each team in the company needs in order to thrive.
In Conclusion
Bohn's book is about myriad the ways we misunderstand other people's thoughts and feelings. Which isn't to say that if we follow her advice, we'll always get what we want from others. But it does show us a more accurate picture than the one we're inclined to paint in our minds.
Knowing where our blind spots are can make it easier to cover our gaps and ultimately make sure we're using our powers of persuasion for good.